I like big butts and I cannot lie

…well, I like a good, round pair of buns, anyway. I ‘member a guy I thought was really hot, back when, but he really had no ass to speak of. Not that I wouldn’t have played with him anyway but, I did kinda wonder how the hell he kept his pants on. He would have been a god if he’d just had a little more butt.

This article’s going to be “not safe for work”, in a text-only fashion, so you can stop right here if you’re squeamish or at work. We’re going to talk about the buttsecks.

One of the greatest myths about gay boys is the one about butt-humping. Anal sex. It seems to be assumed that it’s the one and only thing that gay guys are into. In fact, most gay guys that I’ve played with aren’t even interested. It’s not a part of typical sex play. As far as I’m concerned, that’s a damned shame, because I like fucking. I like being fucked even more.

I saw a video, the other day, where an older guy just rammed his cock right into a teenager without any preparation, and no more lube than some spit. The younger guy was just about sobbing. If I’d been there, I would have been hitting the old bastard with a baseball bat, about then. He wasn’t clueless (a bad enough excuse), he was a sadist. If I was there, he’d be lucky to be getting a sandpaper dildo in return.

Sooo… this little story is about how you go about anal sex the right way. If you have a very experienced partner, maybe you can just spear him or her like a garlic olive appetizer. It takes a lot of practice to learn to relax the muscles quickly, though, and you can really hurt someone that way. Do it too fast, and you’re going to cause cramps, and you’ll be damned lucky if they don’t kick you across the room.

I could probably handle a spearing, now. I sure couldn’t have when I was a teenager. It used to take a lot of time and preparation to take anything in. No, it’s not a matter of “as big as the Holland Tunnel”– if anyone says that sort of thing, you should know that they have no idea what they’re talking about. Your anus is kept tight by a ring of muscles. You can learn to relax them consciously. They’re normally kept on “automatic”, so learning to handle them yourself does take practice.

Start with lube and a finger. A finger’s not huge, even for that tight and sensitive spot. A good slurp on your finger will make it wet enough, probably, at this point. Poke it on in. Play around a while. An asshole has about the same number of nerves as a penis– it’s plenty damned sensitive. Be careful, and keep your nails trimmed if you want to play.

Got your partner moaning and squirming? Good! Next finger. Get it wet and slide it on in. Curl them forward, towards your partner’s front. Twist and scissor them around a bit. You may want to keep their hands away from their junk– it’s good if they’re hot, but you don’t want them getting off before the game is going.

You can add a third and maybe a fourth finger, along the way, as your partner relaxes. Stretch them out slowly.

By this point, you’re ready for the main event. You really want a better lube than just spit– it’s not very slick and it dries out quickly. You can find any number of good condom-safe, water-based lubes at your local grocery store or department store. If you’re not using a condom (and I hope you have a good reason for that), vegetable oil or Vaseline will last longer.

Slide in slowly. Hold still if your partner clamps down on you or asks you to stop. It may take them a little while to adjust. Once you’re all the way in, and they’re comfortable with it, you’re all set to get crazy.

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On the “getting fucked” side, it’s a good idea to take an enema, an hour or two beforehand. You can get disposables at the local drugstore. You may want to use just water, rather than the harsh soapy mix provided. Either way, it will take some time to get cleaned out, so be prepared for that.

Your first impulse, when getting something poked up your butt, is going to be to clamp down on it. In this case, you really want to override that instinct, and stay relaxed. Try to let the muscles just open up. It may take some time before you’re ready for the next step. Try to keep your muscles from grabbing, and don’t be at all shy about telling your partner if he needs to slow down.

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With enough practice, this all becomes a quick and easy procedure… if you want it to be. Hell, it’s always fun foreplay, as far as I’m concerned. Eventually, you can throw most of it out the window, especially if you like it a bit rough. But, kids, don’t start by diving off the deep end if you haven’t yet learned how to swim. This goes googolplexuplicate for the guy on top– if you start by causing your partner tremendous pain, you deserve to be fucked sideways with a redwood tree.